HANOI, VIETNAM - The end of June is near - the annual half-way point. 2008 was expected to be an auspicious year for China. So far, all we’ve seen is the “au” part (as in au-ful). China has seen more than its fair share of disasters recently. I hope China’s luck improves in the second half of 2008. The anticipation and preparation for the Olympics is unprecedented and the Chinese people truly deserve a successful and memorable Olympics. I remain optimistic that China will pull it off. In the meantime, I thought I’d take a moment to take stock of the some of the changes I’ve seen in the last 6 months. Change is a constant in every corner of the capital. It is impressive and often staggering. But not all the decisions can be winners. Some of them, frankly, should be sent back to the drawing board. So to put a finer point on this, I thought I would list the 5 most useless things that have appeared in my neighborhood over the last 6 months. In no particular order they are:

Bicycle-only designated lanes on the brand new street in front of my house (see photo below – enough said)

Those idiotic kids dressed up in over-sized security guard outfits clogging up the entrance to my local subway station

To be fair, I realize these are simply invent-a-jobs that keep the less scholastically inclined youth from plotting to undermine the fragile harmony of this society. In fact, rent-a-cops exist in virtually every country, and have been around in China a lot longer than 6 months. But I’m pretty sure the twerps at my subway stop have not only multiplied lately, they’ve also gotten more useless. What’s more, while inhaling valuable oxygen, they also get in the way of commuters who have real jobs. When they aren’t simply staring into space, these giggly pixies are usually poking, chasing or teasing each other - kind of like what I did to that girl I liked in my grade one class. But that was an innocent crush. Even if these guys have some unresolved feelings for each other, work should always come first! It’s time they started pulling their weight, or at least other people’s luggage up and down the stairs. Give them a mandatory daily quota of smokers whom they have to shame into butting out in no-smoking areas. And if that fails, the subway station toilets can always use a good scrub. Let’s face it. These clowns are never going to stop a real (or imaginary) terrorist threat. I’d be happy if they just stay out of my way.

China’s new smoking ban in public buildings

Speaking of smoking, (see picture of a corridor inside a state-run building weeks after the supposed smoking ban was imposed) this is another case of lots of chest-thumping by the relevant authorities who promise to clean up the city and promote a healthier, harmonious society. A noble gesture, but without enforcement, they simply make themselves look inept. It’s more hot a air to blow around all that second-hand smoke.

The foreign food section in my local Walmart

A 15 foot section of biscuits? That’s one-quarter of the entire department! Does some store manager honestly believe that’s all we foreigners really want to eat? Get serious. And while I’m at it, what’s the Heinz ketchup doing hidden halfway across the store in the exotic Sichuan sauce section instead of with all the other foreign condiments? Having put myself through school by working in retail for several years, I have learned that merchandising does not require Stephen Hawking-style concentration. Mega-retailer Walmart should know better.

The helicopter landing pad atop the new CCTV building

Come on. Who do they think they’re kidding? Does anyone actually believe that CCTV reporters will use this thing to be whisked away to breaking news somewhere in or around the capital? The ‘2-day rule’ at CCTV will never be broken. For those of you who don’t channel surf, the ‘2-day rule’ simply means that no important story shall be covered by CCTV until all the other major international TV networks have had it for at least 2 days. The ‘2-day rule’ at the state-run broadcaster is as sacred in China as inhaling zongzi while floating around in a dragon boat. As long as the ‘2-day rule’ exists, there is no need for a helicopter to rush CCTV reporters to the scene of anything remotely newsworthy. Once said story is no longer newsworthy, the reporters assigned to cover it can just take a taxi to the scene (once all the other reporters have left) and bill the ride to the taxpayer. Until the ‘2-day rule’ is done away with, the helicopter will only be used to ferry executives to and from the Bei Dai He resort at taxpayer’s expense, of course.

There they are - the 5 most useless things that have appeared in my neighborhood over the last 6 months. Feel free to add your own. I have a feeling my list will be much longer in then next 6 months. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some security guards to shove.